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THEIVES ALERT.
NEW EPIDEMIC.
SOUR MEMORIES.
CORRUPTION AT TOWN HALL
Ask any Worthing-ite, from cheerful street urchin to sour-faced Clergyman, who are the Forty Thieves and the answer will come loud and clear... “Why, Sir, you are referring to none other than the Councillors of this Borough, and a less wholesome bunch of ne’er-do-wells I never have seen.” More than four years have now passed since the Forty Thieves won their name following the tragedy of the typhoid epidemic that ravaged Poor Worthing (or more precisely, the Poor of Worthing, since it is never the well-fed and over-indulged who succumb to diseases of this kind, as Natural Justice would morally dictate). Readers of The Pork Bolter will recall only too vividly how we came to shed light on the callous crookedness of our Councillors (those who claim by virtue of their position in the town to be in some way Superior to the rest of us but have in fact shown themselves to be quite the contrary). You will recall how the Town Clerk William Verrall and senior councillors dishonestly acquired the properties of victims of the illness and extracted rent from these properties and later the proceeds of their sale. You will recall that they sunk so low, these Superiors, that even the Relief Fund established to help the families of the stricken was not safe from their grasping, thieving hands. Now, with the Influenza epidemic threatening us all, we ask whether the Forty Thieves have learnt their lesson, or whether we must expect more of the same betrayal. As a new century dawns, we can only hope that never again will the homes of the people of Worthing be stolen from under their noses by the thieves at the town hall, for their own selfish pecuniary interests, and that in one hundred years’ time the folk of Worthing will no longer have need of a news sheet such as The Pork Bolter to protect them from the parasitical attentions of the base Cowards and Criminals of Worthing Council.

RUSSIAN LECTURE.
WORTHING'S BRIGHT IDEA.
Mr. Piotr Kropotkin, the Anarchist formally known as Prince, addressed the recent Political Meeting above Paiges Saloon Bar at Number Forty-Two Marine Parade, Worthing, these being held on the first Tuesday of each and every month. The renowned Geographer, Thinker and Author received an enthusiastic welcome from members of the Worthing Society for the Promotion of Activities of an Ecological Basis (particularly persons involved with the Worthing Anarchist Al Fresco Tea Emporium) who were keen to impress upon the Russian the need for Radicals to comprehend the Natural Tendency towards Mutual Aid amongst all Living Creatures (not least Humanity). Mr Kropotkin promised to devote a future Learned Volume to that specific topic and ventured that this work could feasibly be published in, perhaps, errrr.. 1902.

ANOTHER HELPFUL SUGGESTION FROM THE SAGE OF THE FARMYARD
MR. PORK PIE
porky pie HOW TO WASTE 100 YEARS.
  1. Form a new Political Party as a Working Man’s alternative to the Tory and the Liberal Parties.
  2. Name it “The Labour Party”.
  3. Devote untold energies to promoting and building this Party and helping it to form the Government of Gt. Britain. 4. In One Hundred years’ time it will be indistinguishable from the Tory and Liberal Parties and your time will have been successfully wasted.

ORWELL'S NEW VISION.

A Camera Obscura is to be purchased by the Borough of Worthing, using a mirror and a convex lens to purportedly “spy out vagabonds and cutpurses”. Alerted to our concern for Privacy, Police Sergeant Adolph Orwell told us: “If you’ve nothing to hide, you’ve nothing to fear.

ACCIDENT WAITING TO HAPPEN.

How irritating many of us find the swanky types who frequent The Royal Sea House Hotel in Marine Parade. This puffed-up conceit of an establishment has nothing to offer the real people of Worthing and pampers only to the expensive whims of the Rich and Corrupt. How tragic it would be if some person was to creep unseen to this place and set it afire (so that these words might not seem connected, any such person would best wait a while until they are forgotten. Perhaps until, hmmm... 1901). One day it would be nice to see an Amusement Arcade built on the site.

WORKHOUSE WARNING.

Madame Lysteria, the mystic of Worthing Pier, reports a Terrible Vision of the Future in which Grim Workhouses were sprung up all around Worthing. In these dreadful Sweat Shops of Tomorrow, the pale-faced workers sat all day long with hundreds, nay thousands, of Voices from the Ether ringing in their ears. The Prophetess says that in her dreaming these places seemed to be known as “Cruel Centres” . What horror!

BATHING HUMBUG.
SUMMER OFFENSIVE
ANTHONIES EXPOSED
Seldom has so much noise and smoke been conjured up in Worthing as over the issue of Mixed Bathing from the Promenade. Since the good people of Bexhill-On-Sea declared last year that this practice was acceptable for those taking the Ozone in their resort, a whole chorus of self-righteous and hypocritical cant has sprung up in an attempt to prevent the activity spreading to our own town. Leading the humbug has been the notorious Christian soldier Lt-Col. Anthony Anthonies, who has equated the idea of men and women taking to the sea in sight of each others’ bathing clothes as a debauchery worthy of Sodom. The Pork Bolter asks whether this can be the same Lt-Col. Anthony Anthonies who has been observed frequenting a certain address in Hove on an all-too regular basis and who has so badly upset the parents of young girls – and boys – recruited into his now-disbanded Christian Youth Fellowship for Godliness and Hygiene? We have also resolved next Summer to stage a Mixed Bathing Expedition in Worthing, which we trust will attract the Critical Mass of support necessary to force the issue and ensure future freedom to indulge in this harmless pleasure unmolested (if that is the correct word) by Lt-Col. Anthonies and his ilk.

PROGRESS TO WHERE?
A great gloom fills lovers of Nature and Tradition in Worthing, with the menace of new housing development in the Tarring Gap and the draining of Broadwater marshlands. Furthermore, an acquaintance of Mr. Pork Pie residing in the hamlet of Durrington informs us that three Motorised Carriages have been sighted nearby in the last month alone, and one has been measured travelling in excess of eight miles per hour, only narrowly avoiding injury to a popular local rhinoceros and its rider. How many more houses can they build? How many more machines than they set loose on us and how much faster can they take us in this mad rush to the Oblivion that is termed Modernity and Progress?

COURT IN THE ACT.

The following proceedings were heard by Worthing Justices in November 1899: Mr. Robin Cling; theft of houses belonging to the borough of Worthing, fined 3d. Mr. Teville Prattley; defecating in a public open place, namely Montague Gardens; fined £2 3s 6d. Pc. Ron Chokes; unlicensed obnoxiousness in Homefield Park, sentenced to 24 hours Hard Labour, seven days a week. Mr. Horatio Bottomley; possession of absurd surname, fined one first class stamp. Mr. Ronald MacDonald; selling food unfit for human consumption and interfering with minors, fined half of one farthing. Mr. Emiliano Zapata; bicycling on the Promenade, sentenced to be hanged by the neck until dead.

END OF CAPITALISM.
LONGER WAIT IN STORE.

In our last issue we suggested that on May Day a massive Uprising would upturn the Citadels of Greed in London and that this revolt of many thousands would at last spell the beginning of the end for Capital and its Forces of Industrial Darkness. Unfortunately, we now realise that this event is planned not for next year, but for the year 2000. Sorry about that.
THOUGHT FOR THE MONTH: QUEEN VICTORIA HURRY UP AND DIE!

main index issue 23