APRIL 2001
FOOT IN MOUTH MPS COULD BE CULLED
HUNDREDS of MPs
may have to be slaughtered after a suspected outbreak of Foot In Mouth disease
in the House of Commons. The crisis has been sparked by none other than East
Worthing and Shoreham MP Tim Loughton. He set alarm bells
ringing when he described his own party leader, William Hague,
as a "baldy with a funny accent". (Worthing Guardian, March 30).
Said a leading vet: "If this isn’t a tell-tale sign of Foot In Mouth
infection, I don’t know what is. With comments like that flying around,
we just cannot afford to take any risks. MPs are going to have to be culled,
for everybody’s sake." Initially, it is believed that only the backbench
areas around Mr Loughton will have to be cleared. But there is a danger that
the contagion could soon spread to cabinet level and also be carried to local
councils, Quangos, business lunches and other places where politicians gather
and infect others. There is a particular risk of the disease spreading during
a general election campaign, with MPs driving and flying all over the country,
and it is for that reason that the poll had to be put back from the original
May 3 date. The Porkbolter has seen secret plans showing how the
controversial cull could be carried out. MPs would be lured out of the Commons
on a false pretence to avoid mass panic and stampeding - possibly being told
there was a photo opportunity in Parliament Square. They would then find
themselves surrounded by a ring of 17,000 riot police and army snipers, who
would be able to take out the politicians cleanly and without causing
disruption to central London road traffic. The MPs’ bodies would then be
carried in a huge convoy of army trucks, escorted by RAF jets and a crack
squad of highly-trained TV presenters, to Greenwich, where they would be
stacked in the Millennium Dome and then set on fire as part of the Saturday
night National Lottery show. A MAFF spokesman said: "Obviously it will be
highly unpleasant to have to dispose of the MPs in this way. But you have to
remember that they are sick individuals and of very little real value. Quite
worthless, in fact." In the longer term the country will have to decide
whether to replace the national MP herd by means of a general election - with
the obvious risk of recontamination - or whether to simply learn to live
without them, with people growing their own democratic representation at an
organic grass-roots level.
Keeping plebs out of countryside
SO much for the countryside
being open for business (an important word that, so much more important
than "people"). There is still no sign of West Sussex County
Council re-opening the county’s footpaths, despite the absence
of foot and mouth from the county or surrounds. It seems that "rights of
way" are not quite what they sound. And whispers of hidden agendas were
confirmed by comments from senior Tory county councillor Bill
Cantello who has called for the Government to abandon its right to
roam policy because of the foot and mouth "crisis" and for a block on the
designation of new footpaths (West Sussex County Times, March
30). He complained: "Farmers, particularly those with animals, have no
control whatsoever over who uses a designated footpath across their land."
For the likes of Cantello, the foot and mouth outbreak clearly represents a
convenient opportunity to finish off the job that was begun with the
enclosures in centuries past. First they tell us we can’t live on the
land and now they tell us we can’t even walk over it. We should probably
be grateful they even graciously allow us to be born in the first place. And
if these despots persist in denying the people of Sussex access to their own
countryside, their own birthright, during the spring and summer months to
come, they may well find they’ve bitten off more they can chew...
Advance to Oxford Street!
SICK of the way Big Business runs
everything in this privatised pit of pestilence and pollution that used to be
England? Bored to tears with the spin doctors and politicians who tell us that
delivering more power into their gang’s hands will make us all happy
again? Prepared to stand up and be counted and demand a better life for
tomorrow? Why not take a day off what you normally do on Tuesday May 1 and
head for London for a rather special game of Monopoly? This is a day of
protest with a difference. People are being invited to use their initiative,
get together with a friend or two, and stage some kind of protest, however
small and inoffensive, outside some London-based organisation that annoys you
(and don’t say there aren’t any!). Connections to the Monopoly
board are an added bonus. If you can’t manage your own micro-protest, if
you drift around a few of the streets featured in the game you should run into
something interesting happening. Then at 4pm, head for Oxford Street for a
carnival-style celebration of the Mayday festivities. Take a chance, advance
to Go! Judging from past experience, the day is unlikely to get rave reviews
in the media - they’ll either ignore it or slate it, like they do with
any threat to the establishment. For accurate info as to what went on, go to
the next worthing.eco-action meeting on May 8 (see Pork Scratchings).
Contacts: BM Mayday, London WC1N 3XX, mayday2001@hushmail.com,
www.maydaymonopoly.net, tel 07989 451096.
Porky Pie’s Top Tip of the Month!
PORKY PIE CANNOT BE
WITH US THIS MONTH BECAUSE HE IS ATTENDING THE FUNERAL OF 33,000 MEMBERS OF
HIS IMMEDIATE FAMILY.
Spray thugs alert!
PAID thugs armed with noxious spray
weapons are heading for Worthing, it has been revealed. The sick bully-boys
are openly boasting of how they intend squirting a painful chemical
solution into the eyes of anyone who dares challenge them or their shadowy
power-crazed boss known as The Guv. And they claim that such is their
organisation’s stranglehold on the courts, judges and authorities that
they run no risk of prosecution for their planned assaults. One gang member
told The Porkbolter: "We are going to show people in no
uncertain terms who runs the show around here. Nobody messes with the Guv. And
don’t even think about squealing to the Law coz The Guv is the Law, know
what I mean?" He said Worthing residents should "count themselves lucky" that
he and his mates were "only" going to blind them with a chemical spray. "Put
it this way - would they rather we caved their skulls in with a piece of wood?
They should be grateful that The Guv is a very civilized man and will only use
the minimum of force needed to protect his own interests, if I’m making
myself plain. But they want to be sure that they keep on the right side of
him, otherwise things could REALLY get naughty." An official Sussex
Police spokesman said the spray, known as Captor, used
Nonivamide, a synthetic version of the pepper capsaicin,
dissolved in a solvent and dispensed with a propellant gas. He warned: "The
spray will force the eyes to shut and will cause a temporary burning
sensation around them. Everyone who’s been sprayed will be seen by a
police doctor." (Patrol, April 2001) A report in The Big
Issue (April 2-8, 2001) said the spray "causes noses and eyes to
stream and a burning sensation in the throat, immobilising those it is used
on". It added that Amnesty International is concerned about
its use. Other weapons that may soon be seen on the streets of Britain include
a laser to be aimed at people’s eyes and an electronic stun
probe. The new chemical spray is expected to be in general use by Sussex
Police by the end of the year.
Military police on streets
IT has come to something when Tory
MPs start warning that the Government is creating a unaccountable national
paramilitary police force - but that is exactly what is happening. A new bill
gives the scary Ministry of Defence Police extensive powers to
arrest civilians anywhere in the country. Reporting the opposition of Tory
defence spokesman Robert Key MP, The Guardian noted (April 2):
"Opponents believe the government wants to use the 3,700 officers in the MoD
police to help make up the shortfall in local police forces and deploy them,
in particular, during demonstrations." All MoD police can carry guns. They are
not subject to police complaints authority investigation or to the same
disciplinary procedures as normal police and the force is pretty much a law to
itself. Explained the report: "It is an MoD agency controlled by a senior
civil servant and the defence secretary without outside scrutiny."
One way of looking at it
MORE complaints are being made about
Sussex Police than most other forces in the country, latest
figures have revealed - and apparently this is great news! Lib Dem politician
Dr James Walsh, who is Sussex Police Complaints Committee
Chairman, claims in this month’s police propaganda paper,
Patrol, that the high number of complaints is down to the fact
that "our complaints procedure is very accessible." Yeah, right. So what would
he have said if the number of complaints had been very low?
FORMER Evening Argus reporter Phil Dennett has joined
Sussex Police as a Press and Public Relations Officer. He told
police paper Patrol: "I see my role as primarily promoting
the positive work that the Force carries out." So why leave the Evening
Anus, Phil?
Poor way to run a society
THE RICH are still getting richer
and the poor are still getting poorer, revealed The Guardian
(April 2). The number of millionaires in Britain is rising by 17% a year and
has now reached 74,000. Meanwhile, 26% of the population is said to be living
in poverty, with a steady unrelenting rise in the figures since 1983. Not
exactly fair, is it? But remember - don’t try to do anything about
it, or you’ll just end up with a load of chemicals in your face.
It’s so cool to be a victim
COMPULSORY ID cards have
long been a wet dream of all those busily turning England into a police state.
But there is such resistance to the idea that they have been unable to push it
through - yet. So the backdoor approach has been adopted - issuing
Citizencards to teenagers who need to prove their age. Once the
young generation get used to the idea of having these voluntary cards - hey
presto, you make it compulsory without a whisper of protest. Needless to say,
the media are happy to collaborate. Gushed the Shoreham, Lancing and
Steyning Guardian of March 30: "Carrying a Citizencard is cool". And
it’s cool to have your phones and e-mail bugged by the secret police and
to be under CCTV surveillance wherever you go. Isn’t it kids??
PORK-SCRATCHINGS
WONDERS never cease! No sooner had we
exposed Graham Forshaw’s role on the dodgy unelected
South East England Regional Assembly, which approved the
Hastings bypass, than he announced he would not be seeking re-election to
West Sussex County Council at the next election. Cheerio,
Graham!
* * *
THE May meeting organised by worthing.eco-action will be on
Tuesday May 8, not May 1 (the usual first Tuesday of the month), as that
happens to be the date of the Mayday anti-capitalist protests in London, which
local activists aim to attend. The meeting will again be at 42 Marine Parade,
Worthing seafront (above Paiges), 7.45pm and will focus on what did or
didn’t really happen at the Mayday Monopoly event. The following
meeting, on Tuesday June 5, will feature a talk from Juliet
Gellatley, founder and director of charity Viva! and one
of Britain’s top animal rights campaigners. She will be talking on the
truth behind the meat industry - a rather topical subject! So save a space in
your diary now!
* * *
HOW charming to receive a free year planner from Worthing Borough
Council with our council tax bills, featuring a cheerful reminder on
the last date of each remaining month of 2001 - "Council Tax payment
due." And how sweet to feature a photo of some lovely little lambs in the
March 2002 space. Shame they’ll have long been slaughtered by then.
* * *
WHO is responsible for painting all the lampposts black along Worthing
promenade? Is it an anarchist conspiracy or just another waste of
council tax money?
* * *
A FASCINATING sighting was made recently of an army of garden gnomes lined up
along the side of Adur Avenue, Durrington. Our correspondent
says they looked for all the world as if they were protesting about something
- the plight of the gnomeless, perhaps?
* * *
ARE the major roadworks at the Adur Flyover on the A27 part of
the fabulous new integrated transport policy? Diversions for lorries during
the work will take them along the A259 coast road - a designated cycle route.
Presumably the big idea is to integrate human flesh with tarmac as speedily as
possible.
Only use recycled opinions
THE public is reminded that voting
is the only legitimate way in which they may express an opinion on anything.
The Ministry for Civil Obedience also points out that reading
newspapers and watching TV is the only legitimate way in which the public may
receive an opinion on anything. Anyone stepping outside the authorised
opinion-recycling process is liable to be legally designated a criminal under
the Protection of Democracy Act 2001 and will no longer be
entitled to possess any opinion on any subject.
Help the pigs- subscribe!
THE PORK-BOLTER is an independent
newsletter for Worthing, its name rooted in the fertile soil of local history
and its fragrant message blossoming in defiance of the dark commercial
sterility of our modern age. If you want to ensure a copy of issue 37, simply
send us a stamped self-addressed envelope. Go on, you can do it! To get the
next six issues send a donation of at least £2 to cover costs. Copies of
back issues are still available. You can get issues 1 to 30 under one cover in
The Whole Hog, our special compilation, for a £2 donation. Cheques and
postal orders should be made payable to The Pork-Bolter. Drop us a line at PO
Box 4144, Worthing, West Sussex BN14 7NZ. You can also pay a visit to our
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or send e-mail porkbolter@eco-action.org. e-mail
subscriptions are also available.
Printed and published by The Pork-Bolter, PO Box 4144, Worthing BN14 7NZ.
No copyright. No meat products, thank you.
and finally ...
Stand up for yourselves - nobody else will do it!
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