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Issue 31 - October 2000

BUSINESSMEN WANT TO BAN BEER!

THE GANG of killjoy busybodies that run Worthing want to stop you from enjoying a refreshing can of shandy in the open air. This new assault on our already limited freedoms was launched at a meeting of the unelected business-led Worthing Town Centre Initiative. Reported The Evening Argus on September 21: "The Worthing Town Initiative is now calling on Worthing Council and Sussex Police to draw up a new law banning the drinking of alcohol in public places such as Steyne Gardens and Liverpool gardens. Strangely enough, our spy at the meeting tells us the police inspector present was not keen on the idea. This is because the police know they have already got plenty of powers to deal with anyone who is actually drunk or causing some sort of problem. What this new move is about is eroding further ordinary people’s right to move around in their own home town and do what they want to, as long as it doesn’t harm other people. Together with the ubiquitous CCTV spy cameras, this amounts to a kind of privatisation of the town centre - it now apparently belongs to traders and businessmen who don’t like it being made all messy by human beings who are not there simply to spend money in their shops. It is no coincidence that the Worthing Town Centre Initiative chairman is Chris Spratt, an estate agent who was involved in the privatisation of Worthing’s council houses a couple of years ago (see issue 10). And it is also no coincidence that Worthing Churches Homeless Project are mentioned in the Argus report of the meeting - these fanatic Christians breathalyse homeless people seeking shelter at their Byron Road hostel and kick them back onto the streets if they’ve had a single drop of evil alcohol, even if they’re not in the least bit drunk. That’s charity for you! Worthing Hospitality Association are also involved in the Initiative. They presumably want people drinking in their bars rather than buying cans or bottles at the off license for a third of the price. Mr Spratt admitted to the Argus: "Obviously, we are not asking things to be taken to extremes such as not letting people sit outside a pub, restaurant or cafe and have a drink." Well, no, you wouldn’t, would you? And we don’t suppose you’re going to ban your posh mates from sipping champagne on the back lawn in the summer, are you? There’s drinking and then there’s drinking, it would seem. Outrage is already bubbling up about these proposals around the town. Once again an arrogant elite are trying to make life difficult for hard-up ordinary people. There are interesting plans for a protest drink-in in the town centre if the law is actually brought in. What do you think? If you want to get on board on this one drop us a line and we’ll keep you in touch.

Victory in Montague Place

FOLLOWING last month’s Pork-Bolter front page, Worthing council finally seems to have conceded defeat over Montague Place and agreed that no development will be allowed on this important open space. This has to be seen as a major triumph for the Great British Tradition of Direct Action. Hats off to the Worthing Anarchist Teapot activists who staged several protests against the plans and defeated the goliath of Business Development.

WE POSE THE BIG QUESTION ABOUT WEIRD WORTHING MP...


IS BOTTOMLEY AN ALIEN?

WE have become increasingly worried, over recent months, about West Worthing MP Peter Bottomley. Particularly disturbing was a picture of him hanging around at the top of Cissbury Ring, in a suit, as featured on the front page of the Worthing Guardian on Friday September 8. Bottomley, or Bumley as he is affectionately known by some, was quoted as declaring: "Within a five-minute walk from Worthing I can be here at Cissbury Ring and enjoy a glorious walk in the South Downs." Astute reader Robert Brew was quick to spot that something was not quite right about this statement. His letter in the next week’s Worthing Guardian explained: "As the distance is about three and a half miles, that means an average speed of over 40mph, some of it uphill." So how does Mr Bumley come to have acquired these astonishing speed-walking powers? We think a clue may be found in the MP’s previous front-page exposure in the Worthing Guardian, on September 1, where he was to be found calling for DNA samples to be collected of all males over the age of 16. Embarrassingly for Mr Bottomley, this idea got an immediate kick in the teeth when that week’s Observer (September 3) revealed that even police officers were declining to give "voluntary" DNA samples because they were worried they would be misused! (Where that leaves the rest of us is another question...) Now all this is very fishy indeed. For you wouldn’t have thought Super-Bumley was the sort of chap who would want to build a police state. After all, he has already pledged his admiration for the Great British Tradition of Direct Action in the shape of the Suffragettes and he also spoke up for the Cambridge Two (jailed for "allowing" drug use in a hostel) against totalitarian Jack Straw. But what if he had an ulterior motive? What if he was an ALIEN from another planet out to steal the DNA secrets of humanity? That would explain why he can run at 40mph! And why he chose the Earthling name "Bottomley", wrongly thinking it would enable him to come across as quite normal. And what exactly was he waiting for on top of Cissbury Ring that day?

Stuff it through the letterbox!

MEMBERS of the anti-skateboarding pressure group Worthing Against Naughty Kids have already volunteered to help Mr Bottomley’s DNA-collecting crusade by providing him with examples of their own bodily fluids. And they are appealing for others to deposit their samples through the letter box of the Conservative Association in Union Place or at Mr Bottomley’s Worthing pad in Ambrose Place.* (*Legal note: This is a joke. Do not do anything of the sort. It’s illegal and very messy)

Now You Can Go the Whole Hog!

WE have now been producing The Pork-Bolter for three whole years, the first issue having come out in October 1997, just a few months after a young, wholesome and non-sweating politician called Tony Blair led us into the promised land of a fair and free new Britain... And now you can relive our porcine perambulation through the events of the following months with a special 30-issue compilation, complete with introduction and cover. It’s all there - the battle against council house privatisation, Rocket Ron and Rotarians and loads of stuff about Big Brother that’s got nothing to do with that porkin’ thing on the TV. You can get a copy of the Whole Hog by sending £2 (PO, cheque or stamps) to The Pork-Bolter, PO Box 4144, Worthing BN14 7NZ. This could be the ideal Christmas present for friends, family or any slimey politician types you particularly want to piss off.

Porky Pie’s Top Tip of the Month!

HOW TO IMPROVE MONTAGUE PLACE AND BOOST LAW AND ORDER!
  1. GO TO THE WOOLWORTH’S WALL.
  2. PAINT A HUGE AND REALISTIC MURAL OF CCTV CAMERAS, RIOT POLICE WITH BIG BATONS, BENEFITS AGENCY SNOOPERS AND CHRISTIANS WITH BREATHALYSERS.
  3. THEN WE’LL ALL FEEL SAFE!

Justice is offside for football fans

IT’S not fashionable to stand up for the rights of football fans, particularly those supposedly linked to "trouble". We’re encouraged to believe that supporters are some kind of lower life form who somehow do not deserve the same rights as "respectable" members of society (like lying politicians and crooked businessmen). And that is how the state has got away with bringing in an shocking new law called the Football Disorder Act, which came into effect on August 28. As The Guardian explained on September 2, this sinister legislation "gives police the right to prevent even those who have not committed any offence from leaving the country or attending a match if it is felt they may cause trouble at some point". What kind of justice is that? The previous legislation allowed for banning orders on people who had actually been convicted of a football-related offence, but obviously it is no longer good enough for the authorities that somebody is proven guilty by law before they are treated as a criminal! Dozens of fans have already been hit by the new law, including twin brothers from Littlehampton who had been planning to attend the France v England game. Even if you are too stuck-up to care about the rights of lowly football fans, this clearly sets a precedent for any other groups the Government decides it doesn’t like (farmers are probably near the top of the list at present!). There are parallels here with state plans to allow people to be locked up because their "psychological profile" suggests they may commit crimes (exposed in Nick Cohen’s column in The Observer on September 10). This has nasty echoes of the USSR communists’ habit of declaring dissidents to be mentally ill and banging them up in psychiatric hospitals. And all this ties in with the current attempts to do away with the ancient English right of trial by jury for a whole raft of offences. The message is clear. Even the limited amount of fairness in the British legal system is too much for the totalitarian New Labour regime. Tony Blair and Jack Straw simply have Zero Interest in the rights of the population they are supposed to serve and Zero Tolerance of anybody’s freedom but that of their Big Business masters.

Democratically approved tyranny

FOAMING-at-the-mouth authoritarian extremist (and New Labour supporter, naturally) Barrie Slater of Dorchester Gardens, Grand Avenue, Worthing, wrote to The Worthing Guardian (September 8) to say that Mr Bottomley’s plan for a DNA database (see above) "doesn’t really go far enough". He wants compulsory DNA testing for everyone, male or female, over 12 years old, plus compulsory ID cards that must always be carried on the person and "can only be accessed centrally by democratically approved authorities". We’re not sure you’ve gone far enough, either, Mr Slater! (Indonesia would be ideal) Why not chain the population to their place of work 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, so they can’t get into any mischief? Food could be supplied on a conveyor belt and encouragement for more efficient working provided by electric shocks - administered by democratically approved authorities, of course.

Oh for a Mayor that cares

ISN’T Worthing’s Tory mayor Ann Lynn a sensitive soul? With 120 workers at Daewoo at Lyons Farm already sacked and the remaining 750 not being paid and also threatened with the dole, she found it perfectly OK to accept a free car, a posh Leganza, from the firm. And then she claimed this was to show "confidence" in the workers. "Complete and utter disdain" would be closer to the mark . . .
the pork-bolter

Palming this off as a good idea

POOR Worthing council has been told that if it wants palm trees on the seafront they will not survive a Worthing winter outdoors and they will have to be removed for part of the year. A stylish solution would be to plant them in disused supermarket trolleys (some kind of sponsorship tie-in could be arranged) padlocked to lampposts along the prom. Tree-hugging volunteers could be issued with keys, wheel them home and keep them warm and cosy in the colder months!

The wonderful world of technology

* ROBOTS that power themselves by eating flesh have been invented, reported The Guardian on August 31. It also says machines will eventually be capable of "artificial evolution" - mutating, testing and improving their design far faster than living organisms. A splendid development. What could possibly go wrong? * A hi-tech ‘eye’ is to watch over the elderly at home, reports The Independent. It adds: "If they stay in bed too long, they will hear a voice saying ‘Isn’t it time I was getting up?’." How marvellous. * Children born by donated sperm are liable to suffer an identity crisis in later life, revealed The Guardian on August 31. Well, there’s a surprise.

Have you seen these persons?

1. KIM and Malcolm Wise have contacted us in their quest to restore contact with friends Peter and Wendy Paisley, whose last known address was Manor Road, Worthing. If anyone can help, please phone 01622 676589 or send an e-mail (kim10@btinternet.com) 2. An alert has gone out for Worthing MP Peter Bottomley who has tragically completely lost touch with reality. He was last seen on Cissbury Ring in a suit.

PORK-SCRATCHINGS

THREE West Sussex County Council officers are paid more than £110,000 a year, it has been revealed (West Sussex County Times, September 29). Four get pay and perks worth £80,000 to £90,000, eight staff earn from £70,000 to £80,000, 19 are on £60,000 to £70,000, 47 get £50,000 to £60,000 and a staggering 180 employees are paid £40,000 to £50,000. Remember folks, keep paying your council tax - it’s all for a good cause!
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FANCY doing a course in permaculture design over in Brighton? Contact Fran Saunders on 01273 381686.
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OUR best wishes for a speedy recovery to hunt sab Steve Christmas, run over and badly hurt by a hunt supporter’s car near Crawley on September 1. Help is needed out there. Contact 01273 622827 to get involved and save foxes’ lives.
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NOW there’s a funny thing. We hear that a recent cleansing blow-out of chimneys at the new gas power station at Shoreham was followed by an outbreak of mysterious rashes in the Fishersgate area, just downwind. We are entirely convinced that this can be nothing but an unfortunate coincidence.
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WORTHING opponents of burger chain McDonald’s will be taking part in a global day of action on Monday October 16. Meet outside the Montague Place McDollar’s at 7pm. And Worthing.eco-action’s next meeting will be on Tuesday November 7 at 42 Marine Parade (above Paiges) at 7.45pm.
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THIS year’s Anarchist Bookfair is being held at Conway Hall, Red Lion Square, London (Holborn tube) on Saturday October 14, 10am-6pm.
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READER’S letter in Private Eye (1,009): "Am I alone in thinking that there should be a register of News of the World readers? Surely we should be told if such people live in our midst."

Don’t all vote at once

PANIC voting has been breaking out across the country because of uncertainty over the date of the next general election, reports the Ministry of Obedience. Queues are forming outside ballot stations and fights have broken out in key marginals. Warns the Ministry: "Unauthorised voting cannot be tolerated. People must realise they cannot take democracy into their own hands."

Back the Boar War - subscribe!

THE PORK-BOLTER is an independent democratically approved community newsletter for Worthing, guaranteed 100% produced by Earthlings. If you want to make sure of getting a copy of issue 32, simply send us a stamped self-addressed envelope. To get the next six issues send a donation of at least £2 to cover costs. Copies of back issues are still available. Cheques/postal orders made payable to The Pork-Bolter. email subscriptions also available. Drop us a line: porkbolter@eco-action.org or PO Box 4144, Worthing, West Sussex, BN14 7NZ. website: http://www.eco-action.org/porkbolter

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have YOU tried ... Direct action - the craze that’s sweeping the country!