the pork-bolter
Tuesday, December 25, 2001

SANTA’S TOO SCARED TO COME HERE!

By CHRIS MASTREY

A LEADING global distributor of seasonal merchandise is steering clear of Worthing this year because of rampant crime, it has emerged. The shock move will ruin Christmas for everyone in the town and plunge us all into months of despondency and angst, experts are predicting. Children are not expected to stop crying until February, at the very earliest, and West Sussex Fire Brigade are on emergency stand-by to cope with the anticipated flood of tears. And distraught parents may well go mad and attack each other with machetes until April or even May, say murder experts. They are calling for a total ban on unsterilised axe-wielding until September 2002. This week the Lapland-based operator, who only wishes to be identified by the name "Santa" in case of reprisals, spoke exclusively to the Hernia about his reasons for boycotting Worthing. Forced to wear an obviously-fake beard and baggy hood to conceal his identity, he revealed: "I’ve been in this game for years and I’ve made it in and out of all the troublespots - Belfast, Beirut, Vietnam, Whitehawk. But after reading about Worthing’s crime crisis in the Hernia there’s no way I’m going near the place. I’m invoking a get-out Claus in my contract. I’ve got my sleigh and my reindeer to think about. They’re my livelihood. Who do they think I am, Father Bloomin’ Christmas?" Here are just some of the shocking crimes that have seen once-respectable Worthing dubbed the "Sicily of the Sussex Coast":

SICKENED council gardeners arrived at work in a Worthing park in November to find leaves had been STRIPPED from dozens of trees overnight by mysterious and cowardly vandals.

FEARFUL residents have reported old people ARMED WITH STICKS roaming the streets and holding up post office queues.

TERRIFIED townsfolk report children as young as SEVEN playing near their homes.

SINISTER rumours circulate the town of a CANNABIS CAFE opening in town, where DRUG-CRAZED psychopaths will plot to bayonet Rotarians in their sleep.


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Tribute to anti-porn warrior

IT is with sadness that I read of the sad news of the demise of Anthony Anthonies, pornography campaigner. It seems only like yesterday that I came upon him in a local newsagent’s where he was conducting his weekly nipple count. This, of course, went on to his now-famous Nipple One Hundred Index - a list he would tirelessly compile every Saturday morning in response to the pornographic offerings of the tabloid newspapers, ‘health’ magazines and ‘art house’ picture postcards. How could those purveyors of pornography, the shopkeepers, realise the enormity under the raincoat of this quiet, shy and retiring man? Yet the shop doorway was not where it stopped. Forever the valiant warrior, Anthony would continue to root out pornography and filth at home. Many were the evenings I shared with him, viewing countless videos, all containing lewd and pornographic acts. I, the mere lieutenant, would leave exhausted in the late evening only for Anthony to continue long into the night cataloguing and detailing these vile acts. These lists and indexes were priceless in supporting and enlightening our fellow enthusiasts in the campaign to show the evils of pornography. Maurice Morrison

* Anthony Anthonies, aged 88, died earlier this month, tragically crushed by a toppling stack of adult magazines.


We wish all our readers a happy and relaxing Xmas and New Year - if you manage to survive that long what with all these vicious thugs everywhere!


the pork-bolter
YULE 2001

Hernia hoax - we confess

OK, we’ll come clean. What you are actually reading is the Yule issue, number 42, of The Pork-Bolter, Worthing’s number one monthly satirical newsletter, named after an unpleasant-sounding nickname for townsfolk dating back to those dreadful dark days when people were forced to endure miserable and deprived lives without hair conditioner, teletext or supermarket reward cards. If you want to ensure a copy of issue 43, simply send us a stamped self-addressed envelope. To get the next six issues send a donation of at least £3 to cover costs. Cheques and postal orders should be made payable to The Pork-Bolter. Write to PO Box 4144, Worthing, West Sussex BN14 7NZ. or send e-mail porkbolter@eco-action.org. free e-mail subscriptions are available.

The corporate killers

HERE’S a teaser for you - in which obscure corner of the world can you kill somebody for money and get away with it? That’s right, it’s good old Shoreham Docks, where young Simon Jones met his death in 1998 while working at Euromin. It has been shown conclusively that he died because of his employers’ failure to take safety precautions - and that’s why the firm was fined £50,000 in November. Cutting back on safety at work is not some kind of mistake or oversight - it is a deliberate policy aimed at maximising profit for the rich parasites known as bosses. They simply do not care about the human consequences. Anyone who has worked as casual labour, or who saw Ken Loach’s excellent film The Navigators on TV the other week, will know the sort of stuff that goes on in the shadowy world of "flexible" labour. Deliberately taking dangerous action, in the pursuit of financial gain, which causes someone else’s death would normally be a major criminal act. But a High Court jury, steered by what by all accounts was an extremely one-sided summing-up by one of the British establishment’s finest judges, decided otherwise and found Euromin and boss James Martell not guilty of manslaughter. In response, on Monday December 3, around 30 supporters of the Simon Jones Memorial Campaign blockaded Euromin’s Shoreham dock. A number of lorries were successfully prevented from entering and leaving. Euromin’s on-site offices were occupied and a giant banner reading "Simon Jones - killed by casualisation" was hung from a dockside lighting rig. Passing car drivers peeped their horns in support of the action. The police arrested two men and three women under anti-union laws. A spokesperson for the Simon Jones Memorial Campaign, which forced the case to court through direct action pressure, said: "As last week’s paltry fine showed, the law currently puts very little value on the lives of workers. The message to companies is that it makes good business sense to pay small fines rather than take steps to ensure that workers aren’t killed or injured. Our action today was intended to send out a very different message - that if the law won’t take action against killer companies, we will." Contact the campaign at PO Box 2600, Brighton BN2 2DX, 01273 685913.

http://www.simonjones.org.uk

action@simonjones.org.uk


Protest with POW!

A HUGE campaign is growing up against the proposed 800-home development, industrial estate and dual carriageway at Titnore Lane. Durrington residents and countryside lovers packed out a meeting at Durrington Community Centre on November 27 to voice their opposition to the massive project, which will ruin ancient woodland and green fields. Despite the strength of opinion, there was a definite feeling that public views will count for nothing - and that the development will be bulldozed through regardless. In response to this a new group has been set up called Protect Our Woodland, or POW! for short, which is determined to take direct action measures to halt the scheme. Contact it c/o PO Box 4144, Worthing BN14 7NZ or pow@worthingA27.freeserve.co.uk By the way, it’s not too late for written objections to the plan, which should include reference WB/01/01010/OUT. The issue of the boundaries for the proposed National Park could also be crucial as it could protect Titnore woods. Internet info is at http://www.countryside.gov.uk/proposednationalparks

Miss Leader does it again

ANYONE who was reading this newsletter four years ago will remember the name of councillor Sheila Player repeatedly cropping up in our coverage of the way the council was misleading its tenants over the privatisation of council housing which it was bulldozing through at the time. So it came as no surprise to see (Worthing Herald, November 29) that the very same Miss Player had been found by Worthing council to have misled one of its committees, with no fewer than five misconduct charges being upheld. An unrepentant Miss Player, who remains leader of the Lib Dems, scoffed at the "nonsense of the standards committee" in her usual convincing impersonation of an arrogant career politician. And the punishment meted out to one of the council’s own? She was ordered to write two letters of apology and "to take a councillor training course" - maybe a week in a five-star hotel would be nice? Meanwhile, council leader Brian Lynn’s thoughts on the issue were sadly lost underneath an advert for blinds mistakenly slapped onto the story in the Herald, thus bringing the shutters down on a thoroughly sordid little affair.

Privatising democracy

LAST month we explained how local democracy was under threat from plans to abolish public inquiries into major planning rows. It’s got worse. Now the Government is talking about removing decision-making on strategic planning from elected councils. The aim is to bypass all opposition to big money-making property developments in the countryside. Even the Daily Telegraph - hardly at the forefront of the battle against the capitalist rape of the planet - commented on November 26 that critics of the current consultation process are "usually developers and businesses". So who do they want to take over the decision-making? "Regional bodies" like the South East England Regional Assembly, which is an unelected quango packed full of "economic partners" from the very same "Business Community"! (see Porkbolter issue 35). Even the man behind the moves, planning minister Lord Falconer of Millennium Dome fame, is unelected!

PORK-SCRATCHINGS

OLD-FASHIONED values were alive and well in the Worthing Herald’s candidly-entitled column Police Beat (oh no, surely they don’t, not in this country!?) on November 29. It reported: "House points are awarded this week to an Ocean Drive, Ferring, resident who questioned two males who called at his house about weather damage. Both males, who ran off, had very dark skin and black hair." Say no more - bang ’em up at once, officer!
* * *

FOREIGN secretary Jack Straw says countries that have reason to believe they are about to be attacked have the right to launch pre-emptive strikes against the would-be aggressor. Since the USA threatened in July to invade Afghanistan at a meeting in Berlin (see issue 40), does this mean that Mr Straw thinks it legitimate for the Taliban or its allies to have attacked New York on September 11? Or does this privilege, like so many, apply only to the good ole US of A?
* * *

WANT to see the South Downs covered in the concrete and tarmac of a new motorway? There’s still time to give your thoughts to the South Coast Corridor Multi-Modal Study on their website http://www.scomms.org.uk Meanwhile Right to Roam proposals issued by the Government, include land on the South Downs http://www.countryside.gov.uk (www.countryside.gov.uk). But we hear that farmers have started ploughing up areas of grassland that have been designated just so they can avoid public access. Brave custodians of the countryside or selfish gits? You decide.
* * *

WE were just so impressed to hear that the Government is dishing out £350 million to promote "e-government" by local councils (Worthing Herald, November 15). We look forward to cycle lanes appearing in cyberspace, meals on wheels being sent out as e-mail attachments and to "virtual reality" rubbish collection, with the council emptying the recycling bin on your computer and incinerating your trash folder.
* * *

REPORTS reach us that panic is rife in Lanfranc Road in West Worthing, which residents fear will be renamed Laneuro Road from January 1.
* * *

EXCELLENT Xmas gift CD from Brighton newsheet SchNEWS. SchNUSIC comes from SCRAP record label with 18 tracks of full-on talent from punk to techno all with that non-corporate, keepin-it-real feel to it. Send £7 (includes post and packaging) payable to Justice? at PO Box 2600, Brighton BN2 2DX.
* * *

OUR best wishes for a speedy recovery to Porkbolter reader and dedicated local animal lover Jacqueline Deeks following her recent accident.
* * *

COUNCILS cannot sell information about you on the electoral roll to commercial organisations, if you object. That was the verdict of a test case on November 16, which found that Wakefield council in Yorkshire had acted against the Data Protection Directive and the European Convention on Human Rights. So write to Worthing Borough Council now and demand they stop selling your details!
* * *

GOOD news: a cycle network is to be established in Worthing (Worthing Advertiser, November 21). Bad news: you’ll have to wait "10 to 15 years" for the lines to be painted on the roads!

Government terror warning

PUBLIC complacency about the threat of terrorism could cost lives, the Ministry of Fear has warned. Said a spokesman: "There are indications that the events of September 11 have not been as strongly imprinted onto the public’s consciousness as we had anticipated and there are alarming signs that some elements are beginning to forget that this unprecedented assault on civilisation justifies, for all time, any military action that our friends the USA wish to take at any place, at any cost and under whatever pretext. Will it take a horrific terrorist attack in the UK, perhaps over Christmas, to convince the British public that Mr Tony was right all along? We hope you will all see sense and that such an outrage will not occur. Do we understand each other?"

Printed and published by The Pork-Bolter, PO Box 4144, Worthing BN14 7NZ. Still no copyright. Still no justice for Simon Jones.


and finally ...
Reclaim Your Town, Reclaim Your Life!

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