Tuesday, December 25, 2001
SANTA’S TOO SCARED TO COME HERE!
By CHRIS
MASTREY
A LEADING global distributor of seasonal merchandise is steering clear of
Worthing this year because of rampant crime, it has emerged. The shock move
will ruin Christmas for everyone in the town and plunge us all into months of
despondency and angst, experts are predicting. Children are not expected to
stop crying until February, at the very earliest, and West Sussex Fire Brigade
are on emergency stand-by to cope with the anticipated flood of tears. And
distraught parents may well go mad and attack each other with machetes until
April or even May, say murder experts. They are calling for a total ban on
unsterilised axe-wielding until September 2002. This week the Lapland-based
operator, who only wishes to be identified by the name "Santa" in case of
reprisals, spoke exclusively to the Hernia about his reasons for boycotting
Worthing. Forced to wear an obviously-fake beard and baggy hood to conceal his
identity, he revealed: "I’ve been in this game for years and I’ve
made it in and out of all the troublespots - Belfast, Beirut, Vietnam,
Whitehawk. But after reading about Worthing’s crime crisis in the Hernia
there’s no way I’m going near the place. I’m invoking a
get-out Claus in my contract. I’ve got my sleigh and my reindeer to
think about. They’re my livelihood. Who do they think I am, Father
Bloomin’ Christmas?" Here are just some of the shocking crimes that have
seen once-respectable Worthing dubbed the "Sicily of the Sussex Coast":
SICKENED council gardeners arrived at work in a Worthing park in November
to find leaves had been STRIPPED from dozens of trees overnight by mysterious
and cowardly vandals.
FEARFUL residents have reported old people ARMED WITH STICKS roaming the
streets and holding up post office queues.
TERRIFIED townsfolk report children as young as SEVEN playing near their
homes.
SINISTER rumours circulate the town of a CANNABIS CAFE opening in town,
where DRUG-CRAZED psychopaths will plot to bayonet Rotarians in their
sleep.
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Tribute to anti-porn warrior
IT is with sadness that I read
of the sad news of the demise of Anthony Anthonies, pornography campaigner. It
seems only like yesterday that I came upon him in a local newsagent’s
where he was conducting his weekly nipple count. This, of course, went on to
his now-famous Nipple One Hundred Index - a list he would tirelessly compile
every Saturday morning in response to the pornographic offerings of the
tabloid newspapers, ‘health’ magazines and ‘art house’
picture postcards. How could those purveyors of pornography, the shopkeepers,
realise the enormity under the raincoat of this quiet, shy and retiring man?
Yet the shop doorway was not where it stopped. Forever the valiant warrior,
Anthony would continue to root out pornography and filth at home. Many were
the evenings I shared with him, viewing countless videos, all containing lewd
and pornographic acts. I, the mere lieutenant, would leave exhausted in the
late evening only for Anthony to continue long into the night cataloguing and
detailing these vile acts. These lists and indexes were priceless in
supporting and enlightening our fellow enthusiasts in the campaign to show the
evils of pornography. Maurice Morrison
* Anthony Anthonies, aged 88, died earlier this month, tragically
crushed by a toppling stack of adult magazines.
We wish all our readers a happy and relaxing Xmas and New Year - if
you manage to survive that long what with all these vicious thugs
everywhere!
YULE 2001
Hernia hoax - we confess
OK, we’ll come clean. What you
are actually reading is the Yule issue, number 42, of The Pork-Bolter,
Worthing’s number one monthly satirical newsletter, named after an
unpleasant-sounding nickname for townsfolk dating back to those dreadful dark
days when people were forced to endure miserable and deprived lives without
hair conditioner, teletext or supermarket reward cards. If you want to ensure
a copy of issue 43, simply send us a stamped self-addressed envelope. To get
the next six issues send a donation of at least £3 to cover costs.
Cheques and postal orders should be made payable to The Pork-Bolter. Write to
PO Box 4144, Worthing, West Sussex BN14 7NZ. or send e-mail porkbolter@eco-action.org. free e-mail
subscriptions are available.
The corporate killers
HERE’S a teaser for you - in
which obscure corner of the world can you kill somebody for money and get away
with it? That’s right, it’s good old Shoreham Docks,
where young Simon Jones met his death in 1998 while working at
Euromin. It has been shown conclusively that he died because of
his employers’ failure to take safety precautions - and that’s why
the firm was fined £50,000 in November. Cutting back on safety at work
is not some kind of mistake or oversight - it is a deliberate policy aimed at
maximising profit for the rich parasites known as bosses. They simply do not
care about the human consequences. Anyone who has worked as casual labour, or
who saw Ken Loach’s excellent film The Navigators on TV
the other week, will know the sort of stuff that goes on in the shadowy world
of "flexible" labour. Deliberately taking dangerous action, in the pursuit of
financial gain, which causes someone else’s death would normally be a
major criminal act. But a High Court jury, steered by what by all accounts was
an extremely one-sided summing-up by one of the British establishment’s
finest judges, decided otherwise and found Euromin and boss James Martell not
guilty of manslaughter. In response, on Monday December 3, around 30
supporters of the Simon Jones Memorial Campaign blockaded
Euromin’s Shoreham dock. A number of lorries were successfully prevented
from entering and leaving. Euromin’s on-site offices were occupied and a
giant banner reading "Simon Jones - killed by casualisation" was hung from a
dockside lighting rig. Passing car drivers peeped their horns in support of
the action. The police arrested two men and three women under anti-union laws.
A spokesperson for the Simon Jones Memorial Campaign, which forced the case to
court through direct action pressure, said: "As last week’s paltry fine
showed, the law currently puts very little value on the lives of workers. The
message to companies is that it makes good business sense to pay small fines
rather than take steps to ensure that workers aren’t killed or injured.
Our action today was intended to send out a very different message - that
if the law won’t take action against killer companies, we will."
Contact the campaign at PO Box 2600, Brighton BN2 2DX, 01273 685913.
http://www.simonjones.org.uk
action@simonjones.org.uk
Protest with POW!
A HUGE campaign is growing up against the
proposed 800-home development, industrial estate and dual carriageway at
Titnore Lane. Durrington residents and countryside lovers packed
out a meeting at Durrington Community Centre on November 27 to
voice their opposition to the massive project, which will ruin ancient
woodland and green fields. Despite the strength of opinion, there was a
definite feeling that public views will count for nothing - and that the
development will be bulldozed through regardless. In response to this a new
group has been set up called Protect Our Woodland, or
POW! for short, which is determined to take direct action
measures to halt the scheme. Contact it c/o PO Box 4144, Worthing BN14 7NZ or
pow@worthingA27.freeserve.co.uk
By the way, it’s not too late for written objections to the plan, which
should include reference WB/01/01010/OUT. The issue of the boundaries for the
proposed National Park could also be crucial as it could protect Titnore
woods. Internet info is at http://www.countryside.gov.uk/proposednationalparks
Miss Leader does it again
ANYONE who was reading this
newsletter four years ago will remember the name of councillor Sheila
Player repeatedly cropping up in our coverage of the way the council
was misleading its tenants over the privatisation of council housing which it
was bulldozing through at the time. So it came as no surprise to see
(Worthing Herald, November 29) that the very same Miss Player
had been found by Worthing council to have misled one of its committees, with
no fewer than five misconduct charges being upheld. An unrepentant Miss
Player, who remains leader of the Lib Dems, scoffed at the "nonsense of the
standards committee" in her usual convincing impersonation of an arrogant
career politician. And the punishment meted out to one of the council’s
own? She was ordered to write two letters of apology and "to take a councillor
training course" - maybe a week in a five-star hotel would be nice? Meanwhile,
council leader Brian Lynn’s thoughts on the issue were
sadly lost underneath an advert for blinds mistakenly slapped onto the story
in the Herald, thus bringing the shutters down on a thoroughly sordid little
affair.
Privatising democracy
LAST month we explained how local
democracy was under threat from plans to abolish public inquiries into major
planning rows. It’s got worse. Now the Government is talking about
removing decision-making on strategic planning from elected councils. The aim
is to bypass all opposition to big money-making property developments in the
countryside. Even the Daily Telegraph - hardly at the forefront
of the battle against the capitalist rape of the planet - commented on
November 26 that critics of the current consultation process are "usually
developers and businesses". So who do they want to take over the
decision-making? "Regional bodies" like the South East England Regional
Assembly, which is an unelected quango packed full of "economic
partners" from the very same "Business Community"! (see Porkbolter
issue 35). Even the man behind the moves, planning minister Lord Falconer of
Millennium Dome fame, is unelected!
PORK-SCRATCHINGS
OLD-FASHIONED values were alive and well in
the Worthing Herald’s candidly-entitled column Police Beat
(oh no, surely they don’t, not in this country!?) on November 29.
It reported: "House points are awarded this week to an Ocean Drive, Ferring,
resident who questioned two males who called at his house about weather
damage. Both males, who ran off, had very dark skin and black hair." Say no
more - bang ’em up at once, officer!
* * *
FOREIGN secretary Jack Straw says countries that have reason to
believe they are about to be attacked have the right to launch pre-emptive
strikes against the would-be aggressor. Since the USA threatened
in July to invade Afghanistan at a meeting in Berlin (see issue
40), does this mean that Mr Straw thinks it legitimate for the Taliban or its
allies to have attacked New York on September 11? Or does this privilege, like
so many, apply only to the good ole US of A?
* * *
WANT to see the South Downs covered in the concrete and tarmac
of a new motorway? There’s still time to give your thoughts to the
South Coast Corridor Multi-Modal Study on their website http://www.scomms.org.uk Meanwhile Right to
Roam proposals issued by the Government, include land on the South Downs
http://www.countryside.gov.uk
(www.countryside.gov.uk). But we hear that farmers have started ploughing up
areas of grassland that have been designated just so they can avoid public
access. Brave custodians of the countryside or selfish gits? You decide.
* * *
WE were just so impressed to hear that the Government is dishing out
£350 million to promote "e-government" by local councils (Worthing
Herald, November 15). We look forward to cycle lanes appearing in
cyberspace, meals on wheels being sent out as e-mail attachments
and to "virtual reality" rubbish collection, with the council emptying
the recycling bin on your computer and incinerating your trash
folder.
* * *
REPORTS reach us that panic is rife in Lanfranc Road in West
Worthing, which residents fear will be renamed Laneuro Road from
January 1.
* * *
EXCELLENT Xmas gift CD from Brighton newsheet SchNEWS. SchNUSIC
comes from SCRAP record label with 18 tracks of full-on talent from punk to
techno all with that non-corporate, keepin-it-real feel to it. Send £7
(includes post and packaging) payable to Justice? at PO Box 2600, Brighton BN2
2DX.
* * *
OUR best wishes for a speedy recovery to Porkbolter reader and dedicated local
animal lover Jacqueline Deeks following her recent accident.
* * *
COUNCILS cannot sell information about you on the electoral roll to commercial
organisations, if you object. That was the verdict of a test case on November
16, which found that Wakefield council in Yorkshire had acted against the
Data Protection Directive and the European Convention on
Human Rights. So write to Worthing Borough Council now
and demand they stop selling your details!
* * *
GOOD news: a cycle network is to be established in Worthing (Worthing
Advertiser, November 21). Bad news: you’ll have to wait "10 to 15
years" for the lines to be painted on the roads!
Government terror warning
PUBLIC complacency about the threat
of terrorism could cost lives, the Ministry of Fear has warned.
Said a spokesman: "There are indications that the events of September 11 have
not been as strongly imprinted onto the public’s consciousness as we had
anticipated and there are alarming signs that some elements are beginning to
forget that this unprecedented assault on civilisation justifies, for all
time, any military action that our friends the USA wish to take at any place,
at any cost and under whatever pretext. Will it take a horrific terrorist
attack in the UK, perhaps over Christmas, to convince the British public that
Mr Tony was right all along? We hope you will all see sense and that such an
outrage will not occur. Do we understand each other?"
Printed and published by The Pork-Bolter, PO Box 4144, Worthing BN14 7NZ.
Still no copyright. Still no justice for Simon Jones.
and finally ...
Reclaim Your Town, Reclaim Your Life!
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